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For when I am old and wrinkled…

…. I hope I remember how this song made me feel. Happy and blessed.

I believe EVERY word and line in this song was written on my behalf.

Raabta (Night in Motel) version, from the Bollywood movie Agent Vinod (2012). Especially the line in bold

Faili thi siyaah raatein, aaya tu subah leke,

Khamakhaan si zindagi main, jeene ki wajah leke,

Khoya tha samandaron main, tanah safeena mera,

Sahilon pe aaya hai tu, jaane kis tarah leke.

Kuch toh hai tujh se raabta, kuch to hai tujh se raabta

Ab kya hai kehna, hum ko hai rehna,

Jannatein bhula ke teri bhahon mein panah leke.


The endless nights stretched out before me , you came bringing in sunshine,

Came into my ordinary life, giving me a reason to live.

My ship was lost on the seas somewhere,

And somehow you have brought it to the calm shores.

Surely there is some connection (raabta) with you

What do I say now, I just want to be with you

I don’t need the heavens, just the shelter of your arms.

3 and half years ago . before I got together with K, I was happy. Like really happy, content and there was nothing missing from my life.  A completely ordinary life.

And then , K came into my ordinary life and made it extraordinary.

Even if you dont understand Hindi.. go listen to the song…


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True Story

This is the story of how my life changed last year…. I had previously shared this on a different forum. Most of the story is completely, painfully exactly true. A couple of minor details are changed.

I was 30 years old,  in a job I loved, in a country I loved living in , with friends around me . I had kind of started dating a grad school friend, lets call him K, who moved here. I really liked him , but K was not very open about his feelings, and so I had no idea what he felt about me. But I wasn’t too worried , sure that in time things will work out. Life was perfect.

One Tuesday morning in May, I was showering , running late as usual for work, and I felt a lump in my breast. It took me by surprise, but I thought nothing of it. But somewhere some nagging made me go get it checked out.  So I went to a clinic at lunch. They ran some scans and told me to come back later at 4 for the results. I needed to call someone . I called K.

He reassured me that it will be fine and to let him know what would happen. I had a couple of hours to kill, so I wandered about , browsing bookstores and music CD’s. At 15 min to 4 , I slowly walked back. I was pleasantly surprised to see K there. He had skipped off work and come down all the way. We went to see the doc together. The scan results looked bad , ‘sinister’ was the word the doc used. She recommended a biopsy. I looked at R, his face was dark. As soon as we left the doc office, he exploded, how could the doc say such things, sinister, did she not understand the impact of her words? I had nothing to say, nothing to think.
The next day, I went to get a biopsy, K once again came. And a few days later , a Tuesday again, the results were due. So far I had not told anyone else, and on Tuesday I went to the hospital. I reached 30 min before the appointment and K wasn’t there. I wondered if I should go to the clinic and ask by myself, but I could not bring myself to do it. So I waited for 30 excruciating minutes in the hospital lobby. K showed up and we went to the clinic. He hugged me outside , saying its going to be ok… you’ll see.
We went in and asked for my report. I opened it and saw the word no one wants to see on their medical report – ‘carcinoma’. I looked up at K, I didn’t need to tell him what was in the report, tears had started flowing from my eyes even without me knowing. In his eyes , I saw all the same emotions I was feeling – shock, devastation, fear, anger all rolled into one. We had to wait 40 mins to see the doc, and we just sat there in silence, tears flowing down my face and K hugging me , occasionally getting me a new tissue. I have no recollection of what the doc said to us that day…. but the gist was that we would have to undergo a few more scans to check how far the cancer had spread.

The next days, K moved in with me. We would sit and research continuously. I was convinced that every ache and pain that I had ever experienced was cancer. K would patiently hug me and tell me that couldn’t be. I was angry and would yell and scream and shout, and he would stay calm and gently tell me it would be ok. One night I asked him, what if it was not ok, what if it was not curable, what if i died? I still remember the pain that came into his eyes as he momentarily thought about this. But this look vanished as his mind refused to consider this a serious possibility. He just hugged me and said that he knows that wont happen.

All the scans for the spread were negative, making the cancer an early stage one with a good chance of a cure. We were so thrilled with this positive news we went out to celebrate. I dressed up, put on makeup, styled my shoulder length hair and we went out. I looked beautiful , and K told me that day over dinner and by the candles that he loved me. It would be almost a whole year before we were able to dress up and go out again, and before I would look anything close to beautiful.

We broke the news to family and friends, and I started the first of several long and painful treatments. K moved in with me completely. I had to undergo a surgery, 3 different chemo drugs , and radiation. It took 9 months. to finish treatment. In this time K was my rock. I had lost all my appetite and K would hunt, buy or painstakingly cook all my favorite food. Sometimes he would spend hours cooking what I told him I fancied eating, but once it was done I just couldn’t eat it.  My hair started to fall in fistfuls, he would clean the house, out bed everyday patiently. when it became patchy he told me I look like Pranab Mukherjee and after I buzzed it off .. he told me I still looked beautiful. The steroids had bloated my face and neck , soon my eyebrows and eyelashes also fell off, and I cringed when I looked in the mirror. How he could continue to think I was beautiful I will never understand.

He would patiently sit by my side and stroke my head every night, after I yelled at him for trying to hug me, (I was in too much pain). When the pain killers wouldn’t work and I had to bear the pain, I could look at the desperation in eyes and I knew he would take on all my pain in a heart beat , if he could. This was the simply the most romantic gestures , I have ever experienced.
In that difficult period, I felt a lot of things, fear, rage, insecurity, pain, grief, fatigue , etc etc… but what I felt most of all was LOVED, every single day.

My treatments were completed successfully, I slowly recovered from the treatments, and I am sure K is my soulmate now.